But the basement scared her at night.
As a foot is placed on the steps it creaks
In which she looks up to see if eyes lay on her
But all she sees is darkness
A hand grips the railing
Holding on tighter and tighter
Till her hands turn white.
The railing slippery as she slides her hand down further
With the sweat gathering in her palms
From the warm air in her body, against the cool breeze that blows against her.
Nights were even chillier than the morning
Where the sky is clear and below it there lies
The silhouette of things, bare trees
The remaining leaves are burnt to crisps.
Grey owls hoot in a sinister way.
Frogs croak and lurch their tongues far to get the next swarming fly.
It is silent among the hilltop with the peaked houses
Within one of the houses
Down below in the basement
Is the terrified girl
She had successfully made it down the stairs
And is now looking out the window
With the sky that is clear with no moon and no stars
The black, thin trees
And the grey owl among other things.
The girl takes up the courage
To walk slowly back on the wooden steps
Clutching the railing
Where she eventually lays in bed
In which thoughts crowd her small brain.
She tries to let go
And she does
To where she falls asleep.
This poem was inspired by a writer’s seminar author, Marge Piercy. I liked the emulation that I had responded from a piece of her poem. What I did was take a few lines from my writing and explained it further by either describing a scene such as the empty sky in the moonlight or the basement. I also decided to describe what was happening such as when the frog was lurching at flies or the hooting owl. Another area where I got my inspiration from was when in class we were told to describe three places such as the basement, an attic, and windows. I decided to describe the basement and windows in which the girl observes everything from. The reason I included the line, “In which they crowd her small brain,”was because the character is still trying to process the reality of night compared to the morning. In this line I wrote about the night compared to the morning and they are drastically different in my poem’s setting. The girl eventually decides to let go of her thoughts as she falls asleep because sleep overpowers her thoughts and she soon forgets about what happens that night.
Image source:
http://rebloggy.com/post/scary-photography-creepy-stairs-yikes/26053864460
Dear Mariam,
Wow. This was, not good, but an AMAZING poem. I love how much thought you put into describing one rational fear (from my understanding) and transforming that fear into an experience that this character is going through. I also like the fluidity of the piece, as there is no specific structure or form; I myself am trying to incorporate this and have more confidence in free form writing, as it can be quite challenging. You nailed this. I also really like the imagery you established throughout, from beginning to end.
My favourite line(s) from the poem would have to be: She tries to let go And she does To where she falls asleep. This is a really good way to summarize the ideas that you’re trying to discuss in your poem, and leaves questions for the reader as to what happens next, and will she continue to go to the basement. It’s a nice way to end the poem, as sleep is (for most people) a way to end the day.
Though I loved your piece, there is one minor suggestion for next time, and that is to maybe play with punctuation a bit more stylistically next time. For example, a period could represent the end of an idea, or the end of something greater.
Regardless, I really love this piece. I can see that you’re an aspiring poet already. Wish you the best of luck in your future written pieces, whether that be for school or for fun!
Sincerely,
Sadia
Dear Sadia,
Thank you for taking your time to reading my piece. From your comment it has allowed me to understand what I am successfully doing and what I need to improve on. I will take to account your recommendations for future writing pieces in the future. This has allowed me to become more confident as a writer.
Sincerely,
Mariam
Dear Mariam,
To start I really liked the featured image that you chose to represent your poem I felt as though it was a great addition to your post. Moreover, this makes your writing very aesthetically pleasing which is a great hook because by engaging the reader through the artistic style that can make them want to read it even more. After reading your creation the initial response that I received was very mysterious; and that really lured me to continue what I had already started. Similar to a character in a horror movie, acknowledging that suspense is ahead, but diving head first anyway. I think you have a great act for story telling and especially when telling a thriller kind of story so, great work.
The style in which you were able to flow your ideas was also done very well as it did not feel like there were unnecessary pauses in your writing which is always pleasing to read, so excellent work!
I truly loved your entire piece, however, the places that really clung to me were as follows:
“She tries to let go
And she does”
These few lines that you have included within your piece are short and beautiful finale moments they really do tug on the heart strings of whoever is reading the piece. This tone is probably what I found so alluring about it; in addition I feel that with these small phrases they are able to conclude your thoughts really smoothly, but also leaving a lasting impact on the reader. Lastly, I think that the true art of a great writer is that they are able to create a lens into the world they have made, for the reader through their writing, and I believe that is what you have done here.
A minor detail that you could fix in order to enhance your writing could be to give a thorough check over for GUMPS or grammar mistakes for example:
“A hand grips the railing (gripping)
Till her hands turn white.” (Earlier you only mentioned one hand but in this line you have hand(plural))
Overall your writing is great, and I am very honored to have read it. I can not wait to read your future pieces of writing
Sincerely,
Kshef
Dear Kshef,
I am glad that you took the time out of your day to read my piece! The words you left me in your comment has led me to become more confident as a writer. In the future I will take into account the recommendations that you have given me of my minor errors.
Sincerely,
Mariam