Music(Running with Hina):
Spoken Word Poem:
Rushing Past
The miniature world stays fixated in our own eyes.
I remember so little, yet everything seems to come rushing past.
Like wind trying to blow me over,
So strong that the flowers bend over,
So powerful, the tree branches break
Tumbling and scattering so effortlessly on the spring grass.
I see myself through a scope.
Riding a bicycle with training wheels,
Exerting my way across the sidewalk as I pedal.
My younger sister tags along.
Joyfully running beside me.
I remember so little…
Yet everything seems to rush past.
Like frost crystallizing,
Everywhere seems so white.
The snow is sparkly,
Brighter than the stars that shine so luminously.
I look through the paned windows,
I visualize myself standing on top of the fresh mounds of snow.
I break off icicles hanging,
My siblings and I roll up balls of snow.
Snowball fights and building snowmen.
Today I get shivers running down my spine.
I remember so little…
Yet everything seems to rush past,
Like flames flickering and soon vanishing.
Hope runs through my veins, as the room lights up.
With it getting dimmer, the hope only begins to fade.
I see myself through the bright redness of the fire flickering.
My friends standing around me singing happy birthday.
A decade has passed.
They congratulate me with gifts.
I smile and I am not worried about the future.
I make a wish.
I blow the candle out.
I remember so little,
Yet everything seems to some rushing past,
Like a sprint to the finish line.
It’s warm outside,
Sweat begins to drip down my face.
I smile at the thought of the gold medal
Hanging down my neck,
Shining so brightly,
Reflecting against the sun.
I get congratulated.
The memories ever so slightly reappear in my brain.
Everything seems to come rushing past.
Blackout Poem:
The crystallizing
sparkly stars shine
and soon lights up with hope
I make a wish
Yet everything outside
shining so brightly,
against the sun.
Memories come
rushing past.
Featured Image Source: https://hetnice.blogspot.com/2018/07/gif-wallpaper-snow.html
Dear Mariam,
Wow. This poem is absolutely beautiful. I love how you used literary devices such as similes throughout your poem. I think they really added to it and helped me visualize the scenes that you were describing. I like the repetition of the lines “I remember so little, yet everything seems to come rushing past” and the way you changed the punctuation in some of the occurrences of them so while they were the same words, there was a slight difference. I guess one suggestion I have is with the formatting. You have all of your lines separate and while I don’t think that this took away from your poem, perhaps uniting some of them into verses would add to it. Maybe it was just way the website has the formatting set up that way and it wasn’t your intention. Finally, I love the music and the visual that you chose to go along with your poem. I think they matched the poem really well.
Sincerely,
Alisa
Dear Alisa,
Thank you for reading my piece! I am glad that you liked it, and I appreciate the insight that has been given; furthermore, I will look towards fixing my formatting in my future pieces.
Thanks again,
Mariam
Dear Mariam,
Wow. Can I just take a moment to say that you are an amazing writer? As I was reading this, the choice of music *chef’s kiss* relayed the feeling of nostalgia so well! This poem made me sit back and realize how little memories we actually retain. The next moment you realize so much time has passed like 2016 was 5 years ago! I love how simple yet so complex this poem is if you analyze it. It made me think so critically in a way I never thought of before. My favourite stanza would be ‘I remember so little… yet everything seems to rush past, like flames flickering and soon vanishing.’ Once I read that, I had to take a pause from reading and realize how something so small as a memory can escape our fragile mind. That metaphorical connection with one’s memories and the flames is very interesting to me. Flames have this negative connotation and memories are seen with this positive perspective. I was amazed by this contradicting idea!
For feedback on the writing, I don’t have anything for you, this was AMAZING. But just for the audio, I would try to move it to the top so people can listen to the song and read the spoken word at the same time. Since your audio was all the way at the bottom and I didn’t realize there was music until I finished reading both your spoken word and your blackout (I read it again with the audio to get the full experience). If you don’t understand what I mean, I will talk to you about it in class!!
I loved everything about this piece and you are such a spectacular writer. I hope to read more of your work as the year progresses.
Cheers,
Amal
Dear Amal,
Thank you for reading my piece! I am glad that you enjoyed my writing, and I agree with the feedback being given, as I should have put the music audio at the top of the page.
Sincerely,
Mariam
Dear Mariam,
This is such an inspiring post! I really liked the repetition used throughout the piece, as it did an excellent job pushing the main theme of the spoken word. The music chosen was very effective as well, really embedding the general tone of the piece in with the reader.
As for some mistakes, there was some word choice where alternative words may have been a little better. However, for the most part, they were all perfect! My only other gripe is that “Like wind trying to blow me over, So strong that the flowers bend over” kinda tripped me up since you used over as the last word for both lines. I know it’s frustrating when that’s the right word but it’s annoying since you already used it, but finding other words to work around that could serve to eliminate this issue in the future.
Overall, excellent post! Just one question: were you inspired by Half a Day? It gave those same vibes reading this. Just further evidence of the excellence of this post.
-Jimmy